Let’s be honest: every indie author — no matter how proudly “independent” we claim to be — has, at some point, fantasized about that magical email.
You know the one.
Subject: Congratulations! We want to represent you!
Most of us wake up expecting this life-changing message from a publisher or literary agent… and what do we actually find in our inbox?
“Dear Great Author…”
Right. Because that’s exactly how real humans talk.
If your day starts with someone calling you “Great Author,” odds are it’s either:
- A spammer,
- A bot,
- Or someone who genuinely believes flattery is a currency.
And then there are the experts. Oh, the experts.
These so-called book marketing gurus — armed with fake praise, a borrowed logo, and a sense of confidence that should honestly be studied by psychologists — somehow find their way into my paid mailbox.
Yes, paid.
I actually pay for a mailbox that delivers me everything except real opportunities.
Every morning, without fail, I’m greeted by emails like:
- “Your book is the best thing I’ve never read.”
- “We guarantee bestseller results! We did it for other great authors.”
- “Sir/Madam/Great Author, your story inspired us.”
(Which story? They don’t know. They definitely didn’t open the attachment.)
Some of these folks go the extra mile — writing elaborate, emotional emails that could easily win a short story contest. Honestly, I’ve seen marketing emails that have more plot, conflict, and character development than half the books on Kindle Unlimited.
At this point, I feel like replying:
“If you’re this good at writing emails, why not write and market your own book? You’d probably do great!”
Because imagine the irony — someone who can draft a 900-word email full of drama, suspense, and heartfelt compliments… just to sell me a $499 “Author Visibility Package.”
My friends, this is the indie author life.
We spend hours writing, editing, rewriting, re-editing, then promoting ourselves on social media like overly caffeinated street performers… while our inbox fills with strangers praising books they’ve never seen and offering services we didn’t ask for.
But hey — on the bright side?
At least someone thinks we’re “Great Authors.”
Even if it’s a bot in a basement somewhere.
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